I’ve been having a hard time with accepting my evolving body.
It’s not only about the fact that all this running and trying to eat better obviously has changed how I look but realizing that I’m getting older and how that effects the skin I live in.
For some reason it’s super hard for me to see the true me when I look in the mirror. When I was at my biggest, I was around 80kg and I’ve gone from that to less than 60kg and everything in between. And that has left marks on my body and a relationship that is not the best at times.
I’ve always felt that I have quite masculine built in me, broad shoulders for a girl, hard jawline. Without any make up I look kind of androgynous… Not sure if the strength and power in that all always pleases me, though in a way it’s pretty amazing. Not that bad to look strong.
But it’s always made me feel that I don’t know how I truly want to look, and what to wear, is my ass too big for this and that. No joke, just in reality it’s been too this and that quite a few times. And if I’ve found what I want to wear, I feel like I’m the poor mans version. Why?! Why do I see the “flaws” first when looking at the photo in the beginning of this post. Why don’t I see that strong ass back of mine, which carries me everyday. How amazing it is to have a strong back?!
And my relationship with food has been really weird for, well pretty much my whole adult life. I still haven’t found a way to have a healthy relationship with food. Struggle is definitely real. I’ve always been a feeling eater, no matter how I felt, I always ate. Or didn’t eat, I’ve had those periods too. Not completely off from food but when I felt confused with all else, I think I was controlling at least that part. And the same goes with eating too much crap. Chips/crisps… my eternal battle. Whether I feel bad or good, I always go for them. Even though they are the sole reason, pretty much, that I weighted that 80kg. They make me feel like shit most of the time, but of that salty yum.
And now… I’m getting old, at least I’ve understood that. So, how my body takes this all now. All of sudden all that became real and I thought to myself, shit I can’t do whatever all the time anymore and wish for some magic trick to save me.
The truth is that I’m terrified of really looking how I know that I want to and I already did few months ago, before I totally freaked out and sabotaged the whole thing. Yay! I have that all in me, I just need to believe that I’m 100% worth it and I’m allowed to be damn proud of my hot body!
I have those moments, that I look at myself and think that I’m beautiful and hot and sexy, but lately I’ve been really lost and just don’t find that confidence in myself and try to seek it from somewhere else, without getting it and obviously seeking something like that doesn’t really help, it just messes with your head. You feel like your worth is based solely on your looks and oh my, I’m so much more than that! I just need to realize and truly see how amazing I am these days!
That part of myself annoys me so much, to put myself down like that and not seeing how huge of a difference is the me today and the me two years ago! I’m mad that I feel that I need that outside confirmation of my looks to believe it, and would I even believe it if someone said it… Because I’m really shitty at taking any kind of compliment. So a bit of a catch something something.
The thing is that when you change as much as I have in such a short amount of time, it would be weird to not be confused but when all these new feelings come and try to trip you over, that stuff is a lot to take.
Since I’ve started feeling better about myself, I’ve started feeling stronger, more feminine, sexier, powerful and just more like goddess. Yeah, that’s the word. I’m able to stand in front of people and be all yeah this is me! But I also still compare myself to others, because I’m not strong enough yet.
But I think we all need a confirmation of this all, we need someone to come to us and say that Damn! It’s natural. That’s what I feel that I need, though I do try to say that to myself when looking in the mirror. Because I need to be thinking like I’m the hottest, it has to come from me.
Before I wanted to blend in the back round, now I want to be standing proud and be bravely ME! I think my presence needs to match my loud laugh haha .
I am so proud of who I am and am becoming, so so proud! Because first time ever, it’s only me whose done it all, no one else, only me. And I should be proud!
I want to accept that this all is part of my journey and it’s natural to be all confused but I also need to remember how far I’ve come already. And the great thing is that I have no idea where I’m going, but I do know that it will be amazing!
I want to be fiercely proud of my hard work and achievements, that’s my goal! And I am hot! Goddamn!
Mirka Markkula työskentelee Pihasalilla. Hän juoksee ultramatkoja, joogaa sekä kirjoittaa elämästään blogissaan This little bird decided to fly, jossa tämäkin kirjoitus on julkaistu.